Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Archibald and Barnaby

Dear Gentle Sirs and Ladies,

This is the travel journal of Archibald Darlington and Barnaby Wolverhampton (mock their names at your own peril), two gentlemen of renown repute. All entries shall be read - either internally or aloud - in a proper English accent. This is a standard for all British citizens, be you Scottish, Welsh, or an Irishman of the north. If you're an Irishman of the south, you may henceforth piss off. Failure to read any and all entries in a proper English accent will result in a swift and severe condemnation by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, or whichever pompous cunt is sitting at our throne's peek, and all of your land ownership, political rights, tawny port, slave persons, ascots, and English citizenship shall be revoked or repossessed, effective immediately. You will then be cast off to Wales as a national embarrassment, where you will rot for the rest of your days amongst sloven Welsh women, insufferable accents, nuclear power plants, and poorly prepared fish and chips. An ignoble demise, to be sure.

If you are American or Australian or South African or a Kiwi (whatever the fuck-all that is supposed to mean) or Canadian or, worse yet, French Canadian, you are also required to absorb this text into the crevices of your mind whilst reading - either internally or aloud - in a proper English accent. If you cannot emulate an English accent, I am not surprised; your Philistine behavior, starting with your speech,  is shameful, to say the least. Nonetheless, you will be required to try, even if you stumble into that perplexing Mid-Atlantic accent made famous by your ridiculous American films from the 1940s. If you're American, provide yourself with a dictionary. You shall need it, and I have little doubt that it will become a necessary tool to utilize as often you must, which I'm sure is frequently. It does not need to be said that your intellect is equivalent to that of a Slovenian donkey; but, as an Englishman with a naturally caustic and Machiavellian disposition, I was obligated to say it anyway, despite noting that it was unnecessary to say it.

This journal shall be told in oscillating first-person accounts between Archibald and Barnaby. There will be, on occasion, as our heroes deem fit, guest contributors in the form of travelers from around the world. The purpose of this adventure is to discover truths, enlighten the ignorant, and elucidate enigmas. Much like Darwin examined lizards and snakes and fish on the Isles of Galapogos, Archibald and Barnaby will surely treat non-English members of our world in the same manner: like vermin and pests to be dissected and watched, with equal parts curiosity and disgust. Your knowledge shall indirectly profit from their painstaking efforts to expand their own minds

God speed,

Your narrator

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